It's Not Me, It's You

With me, you'll never get anything but the real deal. I'm not overly aggressive. I'm actually a bit of a pushover. Again and again and again- to a point. I am known as either shy

or really loud, outrageous, and silly- depending on my company. My humor is low brow, goofy, crass and working class. In other words- GHETTO as a muthah.


My point is that I don't do well with sceney-type, fake, ego based personalities. Give me a crass New Yorker anyday of the week, but Lord! save me from the hipsters!

I realize, with my tattoos and piercings, I could easily be lumped into this group, however, there are some critical differences. Everything that I have has come with an enormous personal struggle to make happen. I am not just working class, I am from the street. With multi-generational legacies of violence, abuse, and poverty.

When I was a child, I couldn't understand the cruelty of others. Peers or adults. I don't want to be that way to you. So, why do you want to be that way to me?

If a dog owner is rude to me I am not going to kick the dog too if I get mad at the owner.

It is not my nature to be vicious hearted. I am by nature, kind, compassionate, and accommodating. I actually have to work at being less so.

But, there is an underlying strength in me, layered in that tough scarred skin of my youth.


I take delight in controlled violence. I love mosh pits, Rugby, boxing, etc. I used to be in karate. I didn't take it to learn how to fight. I learned that in the group home. There is something so comforting in the sting of a blow. And the release in anger and aggression when you feel your fists strike, your body writhe, your muscles tense. The feel of your voice scream.

I really want to sing hard core punk. Bad. I keep rooting around for a band but, so far, no go.

What I'm getting at is that I really really struggle with dealing with attitudes. Its so unexpected. WHY wouldn't you simple say thank you if I give you a compliment? Or why would you be silently judging me to see if I was cool enough for you, or why would you be getting frustrated with me when I was obviously doing my best and so you had to go talk shit about me to someone else? I don't have the need to do this to you? I don't. Get. It.

Doesn't everybody want to look at themselves to become better people?

Not really. Most people don't give a damn about anyone else but themselves.

And most people are fake. Most people are consumed by their own egos.
Whether its the nature of this culture, time period, or the nature of being human, it IS.

The best thing I can do is use each interaction I have like this to make me reflect in my own life.

That guy was a real prick.
O.K.
So, how can I not do that. Where can I be more tolerant, or be clear. Do I lack humility anywhere?

Is low self esteem or people pleasing not just egomania in reverse? What ways can I move beyond victim-mentality and be a clear and kind contributing person on this planet?

Because the world is how it is and if I'm going to live on this planet, I am going to have to find a way to interact with them satisfactorily.

Most of the people suck balls and should get a swift kick to the fucking head.
Can I love them anyway?