Although there is no harm in putting one's baby together with other babies, it should be noted that there is no genuine advantage in doing so either. The fact of the matter is that infants are not particularly interested in their peers. Virtually all of their social and emotional energy is directed toward the adults in their lives (with perhaps some devoted to whatever siblings they may have), and they tend to treat other children like inanimate objects rather than like fellow human beings.
I remember seeing an episode of America's Funniest Home Videos several years ago that exemplified what I am talking about. Someone had placed two babies, each approximately eight or nine months old, into the same bassinet so they were squeezed together side by side. One baby looked over to the other and his eyes lit up and a big smile appeared on his face. He then leaned over and clamped his mouth on the other baby's nose. It wasn't the case that he saw a potential friend and playmate. He simply had discovered something new and different to suck on.
Even when infants pass the first birthday, they remain in this mode. Let's say there is an 18-month old in a child care center. He spies a toy on a shelf and decides he wants to get it. But there is another child napping on a blanket in front of the shelf. What does he do? That's right. He walks over and uses the other child as a stepstool, placing his foot squarely on the other child's head to boost himself up. There is no consideration for the other child beyond his physical utility.
Consequently, parents who immediately place their child with other children in the hopes of initiating a lot of fun, mutually enjoyable interactions are likely to be largely disappointed at least for the first two years. Of course, there may be occasional exceptions and, again, there probably is no real damage being done. But encouraging genuine and meaningful peer interaction prior to the second birthday is essentially an exercise in futility.
Around the second birthday, things start to change. However, at this point, parents should not expect an enormous amount of progress to be made instantaneously. Once children emerge from their inclination to engage almost exclusively in solitary play, they begin a gradual and piecemeal journey toward peer play that tends to follow a fairly predictable pattern.
The first step is referred to as "parallel play." Think of parallel lines. They are laid out side by side but they never intersect. At around two years of age, toddlers start to enjoy playing alongside their peers, but still have little interest in actually interacting with them. Let's say you take a two-year-old to the park and he sees other children playing in the sandbox. He will immediately run over and climb into the sandbox to be with the other children. But he and all of the two-year-olds in the sand box will pretty much do their own thing. While they obviously are aware of and seem to greatly appreciate each other's presence, they all focus on their individual activities and make no effort to "play together."
What can be quite comical are the "parallel conversations" that sometimes accompany parallel play. From a distance, it appears as if a couple of the children have struck up a friendly and rather lively conversation. However, when you get close, what you hear is one child saying, "I had chicken nuggets for lunch," and then the other child saying, "My Daddy has a red car." Both children are talking, and they may even be taking turns doing so, but neither is really listening to, much less considering and responding to, what the other has to say.
As children move toward the third birthday, they take the next step and start engaging in what is referred to as "associative play." Now, while they continue with the essence of parallel play, that is, playing side by side but doing their own thing, they do start to incorporate some meaningful interaction into their activities by exchanging comments, toys, and materials. So, a 30-month-old child, upon arriving at the park and seeing other children, will again quickly run over, sit down next to them, and begin some sort of solitary project. But within a minute or two he and the other children will be saying things like, "How did you make your pile so high? Can I have the shovel? Here, take the bucket and get some water if you want to."
While there clearly is a true "social" element to associative play, it should be noted that each child's actual activity remains essentially separate from the activities of the other children. If one child's parent comes over and takes him home, the other children will go on doing almost exactly what they were doing before. In other words, while peers now become a prominent as well as a pleasant part of a child's play, they still are not necessarily an important part.
It generally is not until they approach the third birthday that children take the final step and begin engaging in what is referred to as "cooperative play." As they become preschoolers, they now become interested in and capable of coordinating their individual activity with the activities of other children to create complex and mutually enjoyable experiences. For example, you can take a large, empty, cardboard carton and toss it into a group of three-and-a-half or four-year-old children, and within minutes you have the complete sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean going on. One child is the captain, another child is the prisoner, another child is the soldier, and so on. In this scenario, if a parent comes along and takes one of the children home, the others will be required to alter their activities because each kid has a distinct role that is integrated with and interdependent upon the roles of the other kids.
While cooperative play represents the final step in the peer play journey, keep in mind that the solitaryparallel-associative-cooperative sequence is one of addition, not exclusivity. In other words, once a child begins engaging in cooperative play it does not mean he will no longer engage in associate, parallel, or solitary play on occasion. It is merely that as he develops, he becomes capable of and more inclined to participate in increasingly complex and sophisticated peer interactions. It also should be noted that there is a fair amount of variability among individual children with regard to the rate in which they go through the sequence.
The bottom line is that parents must be patient. While they are right to place a high degree of importance on socialization and should definitely strive to provide their child with appropriate opportunities to play with his peers, they should recognize that opportunities themselves are not sufficient to ensure success. Their child needs time to actually develop the requisite abilities and inclinations, too.
Author
Michael K. Meyerhoff, EdD, is executive director of The Epicenter Inc., "The
Education for Parenthood Information Center," a family advisory and
advocacy agency located in Lindenhurst, Illinois. He may be contacted
via e-mail at epicntrinc@aol.com.
I want to reach my potential. I want to use my God-given talents to create the largest impact possible on the world. I want to leave the world a better place for the succeeding generations- God knows they need some more positive contributions. I want to love mightily, and make a trail that I can stand back afterwards and say, "yes, despite all the many stones, thorns, wounds, and hardships, I rose up anyway. I was indomitable- my way." I want to show the strength compassion has over violence.