Today A Change Occurred

Today I made a decision. I feel like I have been battling victim-mentality my whole life, cajoling, tricking, forcing myself out of it time and again. But, like a broken record, I keep falling back into it. Yes, I struggle. Yes, crappy shit has and continues to happen to me. Lord knows. But why have I chosen to continue living in poverty- both mental and financial? What is the hold for me? Most of my problems stem from my inability to provide for myself. I left my home at 17. I have been one step away from homelessness (and sometimes no-step away) ever since. I am overcome with ugly envy as I see others have and I having not. 

I knew years ago that I would be working crap jobs the rest of my life if I didn't do something. So, I went to college. I have been doing college ever since. I have over 80 units. For what? I like the arts. Literature, Music, Film, Painting. So, I chose to pursue a degree in that direction. For what? It's one thing to pursue your passion, it's another thing to be broke for your entire life. 

Recently, my whole life has been turned upside down by a series of worst-case-scenarios- costing a total of nearly $10,000. I have had to step away from my educational goals and reformulate a plan. And I was thinking, in some ways I have been spinning my wheels. Yes, a career in the arts is feasible- however- I need to change my life. I can not carry on like this any more. I'm done being stressed out over my last five dollars- or being in the place over having to stretch $20 over a week. I'm done breaking down in tears over lack of food, over a Planned Parenthood doctor bill, over MONEY.

I need to change. I am done being addicted to this comfortable place of poverty. I know this place- but I don't have to live here anymore. 

So, I will begin the process of pursuing a Nursing degree. It PAYS. I can't imagine living with the means to support myself well. 

I didn't do this before because I felt it was punking out on my dreams. But, after years in pursuit, I feel like it's chasing my dreams responsibly. 

I've known many women who were nurses. Some were intelligent women I could look up to, but some were--- let's just say, I thought- "shit, I could do that". 

Girls who drive nice cars, have nice condos, nice clothing. 

And health care- what I wouldn't give to have some decent health and dental care.

I'm tired of being poor. I want mine. And I actually enjoy helping people.

Things have got to change. I need to live with a new mindset. I know I am somebody; I know I am a mountain-- it's time I was able to live like it, rather than this hunched shouldered, frightened, victim. 

I am the only one. There are no Heroes, no Knights, no Daddy's, no nothin'. And gawwwwwdamn if I ain't worth it.  

A lot of stuff stem from this essential problem of not being able to meet my own basic needs. I end up feeling like I'm not enough, not going to be OK, and operate in the world from this place.This perpetual need of being a martyr/and the need to de-stress through isolation or smoking, or eating garbage, feeling immobilized in my life, feeling inferior, taking on other people's crap and not standing up at the initial appropriate time.

I'm not stupid. There is a solution. Get a good paying career. It won't solve everything- but shit!- at least I could AFFORD therapy for the rest!