tonight i feel ok.

i feel excited about the future. excited about my art. and ready to do the heavy work necessary to move beyond my old story and head trips. 

Pulled my bike out for a tune up- ready to take on the world one bike lane at a time, don't know why it took me so long.

I finally want one of those super lame hipster bike bags. Funny, I fought them forever. I always associated them with fixie-gear rich bike scene kids, *yuck!* 

 

And, after a period of doubting my worth, it feels good to be reminded that, for all my faults, I'm a pretty amazing woman. And, I'm glad I'm me. And remember my gratitude. I forget what an anomaly I am. It's not bragging. It's truth. Group home ghetto kids aren't supposed to have college degrees and self actualization, and career choices. And open hearts. And the ability to be strong enough to hope.

I am willing to be a better person today. To try. To still dream.

I am not where I want to be now. Hell, this last year entailed a complete destruction of my life. It was painful! But, in it's wake I feel inspired to rebuild it better. 

Checked into the Academy of Arts to finish my Film degree. Don't know if I should pursue Paramedic career first (or at all) or go forward with my original plan. (Writing and Directing).

I don't know but I'm willing to put the work in and see what pans out. 

And I'm beginning the new sculpture piece that I have wanted to do for awhile. It's going to be creepy. And awesome. Think barbed wire+chastity belt.

The drawings from the pics I was starting are hit and miss- takes a particular image to translate to a painting well. Sometimes the sketches (preliminary work) look up to my old skill level (it's been awhile) and some look like utter crap. It's going to take me awhile to get back in the swing of painting I think. Sometimes I'll be working on something and I stop and am disgusted at the straight junior high bullshit that my hand just scribbled. Horrible! And sometimes I look, and DAMN I'm good! Haha.

I have a picture in my mind of where I'd like to be. 

And those that can see my worth will be there with me.
But, I'm alright being alone too.