I know (despite the numbers,nobody really reads this blog. I wouldn't either. It's full of whining and rambling on and music videos that you could easily look up yourself. I'm not really that interesting.

This is more of an extension of my old myspace blog. And, back then, I used to write more stories, memories of my childhood. Because, as plain and boring as I may be- my upbringing was not. Maybe that's why I am the way I am.

But, with everything syncing up online, including having my boss add me on facebook (he' actually a really great guy) I just have pulled way back on what I put up here.

So, this space has dwindled down to, as they say in Spanish "puro pedo"... ie. crap.

What's up for me right now is:
I woke up looking out through the same set of eyes.
And I have the same strengths and weaknesses of character.
There are a million things I would like to be that I'm not.
I am who I am.
But, setting aside all of this...
I still wake up every morning looking through the same set of eyes.

I don't have much.
I am not much.
But I have always had my mind.
And there I can be free.

Who is it that looks out?
What is that?
Is it- white trash girl from Oak Park- makes way out of group home/ghetto to be later looked at with disdain by Santa Cruz middle class hipsters?

Is it- alcoholic? recovering alcoholic?
Middle-ing aged woman single lover of cats (hahaha)

Writer? (Not much lately)

Sufferer of depression?

Etc.etc.etc.etc.

Clearly, none of these labels encapsulates me. I have a thousand facets.
And the total is not me.

I am this awareness at the front of my consciousness, with an endless stream of thoughts bubbling up, falling back, sometimes screaming, or trembling, crying out.

The mind.

When I was five, my mother would have me stand in the corner for four or more hours. In order to pass time I would retreat into the mind. I would create elaborate fantasy worlds. I would be free, going everywhere, without ever having moved a muscle.

As I got older, my fantasy world became more complex. It still is my default way of being. The waking world holds little interest to me. Here is pain, suffering, cruelty.

And, as an adult, I know that I find people, places, things, to continue playing out the patterns I endured as a child. The self centered egoist, the uninterested one, the judge. I still find myself drawn to people that will play the parts. Pretty common, actually.

The good thing about this is that I have always had a relationship with my mind, what's real, not, the power of both. I have always had a grasp on the quiet ever-present consciousness.

So, do I believe in God?

Yes. If God is that presence. Which is not me, is me but is everything else to. God is what exists when I realize I don't exist.

And love?
I don't anymore.
Not the kind that is promoted in our culture.
I believe you can be drawn to someone, absolutely.
But that drawn to is a mixture of things.

I think the person we're attracted to has a strange mixture of enough of ourselves in them for our Ego to recognize sameness and enough qualities that our Ego wishes it possessed.

They fit the mold of some old patterns we learned long ago and are seeking to work out still, coupled with enough health to offer hope at overcoming these very things.

The only thing is an ego self-fuck.

I do believe in love. It is expansive. It isn't possessive. It lives in that place of consciousness. Outside of the sense of me-ness.