Game

Dude, I usedta have game. Way back when.

There was a time muthahfuckas fell left and right for me.

Reminiscing again with Lisa...

There was a small window of time around 20/21 yrs old when I tried to be a "playa"...

Never had the constitution to really do it well. Felt too crappy.

But, thinking back now... damn, I had G.A.M.E.

What happened?

Men seem more interested when you need saving I guess.

And, once I stopped drinking I stopped putting myself out there, stopped taking risks, stopped being available. Started being afraid.

But back then...

I remember Julian (pronounced Who-lee-ahn)- yeah, I have always had a thing for brown sugar. The Latin variety.

Julian was tall, zoot-suited with a cholo mustache. A rosary tattoo around his hand and forearm. He had spent a couple years in prison for shooting a man who raped his sister. He was the walk on the street side/pay for everything old-fashioned type of gentleman. He was also a dork at the same time as being hard as fuck, and completely crazy about me.

And I really really liked him.

Except that Victor, who had only been come from Mexico a couple years ago was just too good looking. I mean, you could be entertained all night just looking at him-kind of gorgeous. Mexican rockers. Yum yum yum! Long curly hair, perfect smile, brown brown perfect skin, and not a word of English. Just smiled and smiled. And loved rock n roll. 

But I spoke Spanish. And he totally adored me.

THEN, Felipe, cousin to a friend's boyfriend, Rockabilly hair, style, had come to the states as a kid. He danced with me, and then I put on Caifanes, sang every word, and he fell.

I didn't mean to break his heart. I was just,-

you know- crazy.

But guys like that. 

Crazy.

I regret hurting Cesar. He was genuinely a really sweet guy, gave me the best of everything he had to give.

I ended up meeting Guy- Mexican American Punk/Garage/Oi type, who, like the others, fell. And hard. I was with him for three years. Almost married him.

Then I got my life together. 

Went to school, took stock of my life, stopped being a mess everywhere I went.

I don't understand what happened. 

I used to have game.

Now, I read romance novels and care to much to let anyone get hurt by careless actions of mine.

I am scared or I analyze stuff to much or I'm too proper-too "appropriate" because I think about the consequences of what I'm considering.

I'm not really an ugly girl- I just don't let people see me enough for them to know that the chicks they are dating- dude- I'm ten times that. 

I used to let men in to see me. 

To let men fall in love with me.

Somewhere I started being too afraid to risk that. Sometime many years ago.