A Champion For Me

I am strong but silent as steel.
I know the place of being invisible.
I'm probably comfortable there, in suffering.
As obnoxious as that is, as much as I hate it, as much as I fight it. It's what I have always known.

No one, not even when I was little, acted as my champion.
Raised amongst thieves, beggars, drug dealers,
bikers, whores, the hungry,
amongst pedophiles, and psychopaths,
the poor, stupid, and plain crazy.

Everyone kicked me around.
And I did push back.
And pushed and pushed.
And was punished for pushing

Any spirit can be silenced if scarred enough.
Any spirit.

But an indomitable spirit lives....
a hidden thing.

Weakness was never a luxury for me.
Still.
With every dream I reach for turning like salted waves.
filling my mouth till the singing turns to a choke.
the writing bleeds off the page and dissapears
everything falls away.
and my feet are tired.

I wear red lips but I am a Queen of the gutter.
I am victory in escape
from
a throw away street citizenship.

I buy street sheets in San Francisco because
I am that, or
I should have been.

No, I don't think you could ever understand.
And you deem to judge me
as some sort of loser.

II.
He who needs a side of beef
with a hole cut into it.
Wonders why I guard my body like a banshee...
What's wrong with you? I wonder too.
But there are few things mine
My flesh,
my aching, burning, lonely, rotting,
nameless, forgotten, scapegoated, kicked, dragged, starved, raped, crucified,
INVISIBLE flesh....
it's mine.
and if no one treasures it, at least I will.

Every man, fuck it, every person
in this strange world above the underbelly
has pictures like postcards
with some lovely Mother,
or some beaming Father.

I have a pilfered facebook pic.
an image
not mine
of my father
and not with me.

I. Don't. Matter.

I was a meal ticket birth.
I am not more than a passing thought.
I serve blood like a place to store shit.

What I have is silence.
lots and lots of silence.
where I can seek God.
and remember breath is where I exist
and find gratitude in the sun
and remember to cut the lines I draw
between me of this
and you with all of that.

because I will surely swing on a rope if I keep cutting away me from you.

AND
I am not an only.
Today I spoke with another
with eyes like heavy crystal
carrying
more
than you
could understand.

More shadows...
and
there I have a home
a big sister embrace that means
HEY, I SURVIVED. YOU WILL TOO!

I have humanity.
The world-style humanity.

III.
I am grateful.
handouts that are salty-sweet
like government cheese to a seven year old

Or soft smiles in Foster homes.

A room I don't deserve. A bag of bread expired from kind thoughts.
Another ear, embrace, generosity.
stoop so low, servile low, sorrysorrysorry. thank you.

I want to crawl into a black black place and never come out.
I want to be seen and
I want to
dissapear.

I put my heart out
and
I see texts
like knives flying.

why is it ok to cut me down
when I have swallowed
then cut me for it again?

please...

oh, I forgot.
My place.
that never has changed.

dissapearer. rat. invisible throw away child.
And maybe it's just time
to call it.
and
walk away.

IV.
maybe.
flint spark Irish blue
I got San Francisco under my skin.

maybe I got to pick up
and
ruuuuuuuuuuuuun!

Maybe there is still a future
with paint and canvas
and words waiting
like lovers mouths

guitars sounding angry and pounding out a story
like you wouldn't believe!
A -can-you-believe-it!
and a
all-this-passion-all-over-the-fucking-place
and a
YES! YES! YES! I got some steady fucking footfalls fuckface!

Art school finishing, destinia-me!!!
Find me, future!
I'm gonna fight for you so you fight for me!!!